THE CRONE WARS STORY (Episode I, II and III)
The continuing adventures of...
The Mermaid Witch of Tybee aka The Crone of Fantasy Island!
-VS-
The Underground Nightmayor of Savannah aka Christian Sizzlin!
EPISODE I
THERE'S NO HOPE
In the not-so-Ancient past… during the Eighth Month of the years Two Thousand Seventeen and Two Thousand Eighteen…
Amid the Age of Millennial Leviathans THE CRONE adorned herself in white and swam through the ocean depths embarking on a most important mission. She lurked across The Seven Seas slurping up fodder to amass energy for her next holy quest. The Mermaid rose to the surface and perched atop her Fantasy Throne to begin publishing her sour deceits and heartfelt lies upon the World Wide Waves! In the local Goth Gazette she fully accused a Man of wickedness and directed her full power towards the perceived perpetrator. She called him out by name - the mainland’s acclaimed Bottom Feeder and Nightmayor CHRISTIAN SIZZLIN. The type-faced words of scandalous lacerations and feminiod rants Spouted by The Hag concerned high-sea tales of terrorism, gravedigging, and the throttling of a throat. The Femi-Not-See’s outbursts were confusingly labeled with the bashings of Trump Country and the hashings reeked from the fetid waters of the me too swamp.
And The Witch’s most sensational defamations?
A criminal attack via the nape constriction and forced despoilment of her fellow Art Junkie THE GODDESS. She brazenly declared that Christian had casted portents of doom upon her dearest confidant AND The Goddess’ precocious offspring, projecting peril and massacre upon their woeful lives. She wrote that Mayor Sizzlin hurled death omens and made intimidations to her bosom friend by TWICE digging six feet under his own castle in a perverted display of devotion. Holding fiendishly to her Trump Voodoo Doll, the psychologically distressed Mermaid accused the Underground Mayor of being a schizoid! The Crone’s dire insults magically claimed that there was testimony and official papers to evidence these atrocities. She crookedly bellowed to The WORLD that these told crimes were proven facts scripted in credentials and presented to the Highest Court of Annulment in the City.
Finally, the Merwitch alleged that these pages of record were used to banish The Nightmayor from the lives of the supposedly innocent Goddess and her neonate, allowing them to escape Savannah and be free of his devilish grasp.
The Crone gave reason for her published libel: Guilt should be assigned to its rightful owner so that all would know his pretended crimes against humanity. She cried that the protection of her gullible Witch Coven should be paramount, and that we must shield the unsuspicious public from the unholy deeds of the the Man-Monster. She encouraged her fishy followers to resist enabling her adversary and begged them to stop drinking the Southern Weirdness Kool Aid!
Yet the Mermaid Witch, unbeknownst to her blondish head sitting atop her tallish frame and flippant tail, had become a victim of her own misguided beliefs…
EPISODE II
THE CRONE WARS: THE NIGHTMAYOR STRIKES BACK
The saga continues...
THE CRONE napalmed the entire landscape of the World with her massive bombshells, obliterating all reason and logic. After broadcasting the blasphemous words, the World Wide Waves steamed with her malicious discussions. THE NIGHTMAYOR spied the resulting billowing smoke and felt the heat of its Fire. He read the slander, choked on her words and almost drowned in the rushing river, gasping for Truth. He knew the Mermaid had been harpooned by THE GODDESS and was now bleeding her lies. The Witch’s blood gushed across the people and pooled in the stinking sewers of Savannah.
The Mayor instantly rang the Merwitch with a typed verse of denial and dared her Do Not Do That Again! The Hag seemed completely unaware that the Law clearly states “..sea dwellers shall not publish Untruths for the purpose of harming the Lifeblood of their fellow citizens..” Christian Sizzlin versed her anew and made certain that she was aware of the statue.
But the Crone sprayed high and sang defiantly Trump! Despoilment! Goddess! Proof! And she threatened a hexing of the Mayor’s teeth! She dismounted her Fantasy Throne, splashed hugely into the Seven Seas and left a tsunami in her wake. She swam to the depths… and for one epoch around the Sun, all was quiet upon the Sea.
Yet the Witch was not finished squirting her vile slime. She returned to Fantasy Island on the anniversary of her first claims. She AGAIN wrote in the Goth Gazette regarding the Mayor’s original misconduct, and ONCE MORE gleefully splashed the same dirty words upon the Waves. The Crone dropped her gossip bombs across Land and Water, paying no heed to it’s devastating aftermath. Christian’s supporters rushed to his aid crying foul and defined the whole mess as utter poppycock. They attested to his character, soaked the Mermaids flaming words with Aqua Pura and trampled the blaze until it smoldered.
Mr. Sizzlin versed the Witch and buzzed her bestie Goddess ONE LAST TIME, making a final plea to open direct but peaceful talks with the raging Art Junkies. Christian hoped to resolve The Crone Wars before the damn trilogy went nuclear. But the Ladies would not engage him any further. The Junkies shrieked that they were being stalked and harassed with threats. The Crone simply versed back Get A Life!
The Nightmayor thought to himself that he did have a life.
A life filled with love, friends, ghosts and princes. Hobbled by the accusations, the Mayor sunk to his own depths and carefully mulled a strike back to protect his Lifeblood. Christian was heavily advised by legists to take the High Road and thus rebuke the Merwitch with a strong warning of judicial consequence. After much hoof wrangling and consulting with card-carrying counselors, Sizzlin slowly realized that he must respond to this matter with a Serving of Law.
So the Witch Hunt began.
The Mayor tracked the Fish for months across the Seven Seas searching low and lower for her public shoutings and common appearances. Finally, he discovered her trail of slime in the shallow waters of Savannah and followed this art sludge onto the mainland. Whoa and behold the Mermaid had come ashore! with plans to vomit her screaming art at The Worm of Holes! Christian Sizzlin sounded the alarm and alerted the authorities!
His counselors rushed to the scene to deliver the proper papers to the disgusted Fish out of Water.
The timing could not have been more PERFECT.
EPISODE III
THE CRONE WARS: RETURN OF THE MERM-EYE
The violent trilogy concludes!
In the not-so-Ancient past… on the Sixteenth Day of the First Month of the Year Two Thousand Nineteen…
THE NIGHTMAYOR'S counselors burst onto the scene at The Worm of Holes! The day had finally come! Time had caught up with THE CRONE and the words of the Beast were now going to be held to the Light.
The legists instantly spotted the Fish, tossed her a sharp line and hooked that not-so-fresh Fillet. She was flapping her lips and puking her songs upon the helpless audience, nauseating the people into seasickness. The Mayor’s Legal Eagles stepped right up to the plate and served her a bitter entree of Piehole Shutteth with a full helping of Mumbo Jumbo Liar on the side. Witnesses gasped as they wiped the belch from their mouths!
The served indictment harshly reminded the Crone of CODE OCGA SEC 51-5-1 that governs all creatures of the Land and Sea. She read the citation with bloodshot eyes. The papers honorably requested a mea culpa and the sum of 1,000 clams to stave off a final suit that would certainly spell certain doom for the Witch.
The Underground Mayor wanted to believe that The Crone would ultimately understand his message: Never speak Untruths or write such hysterics again. Christian harbored a strong optimism for a judicial settlement but The Crone Wars were raging full steam ahead and virtually unstoppable. It was draining his Lifeblood and smearing his plasma across the cosmos. In all likelihood, a final battle would have to be fought before he considered all Hope to be lost...
As we all know, the Witch had streamed that the Trumpian evils endured by THE GODDESS were proven in scripts that the Crone herself had never even seen. This so-called scripture was nowhere to be found, yet the Mermaid continued to swear by its brutally written events. She swam along brainlessly, her open veins bleeding with the Art Junkies’ harpoon still jutting from her back. The Goddess had reeled in the giant Fish, hook line and sinker, and the two Ladies joined forces to become THE WARRIORS! They sang together in deep collusion. La-La-La-La-LAAA! The Mayor’s digging with a trusty Mueller Probe proved it.
The Nightmayor gently probed the Mermaid and realized that she was ignorant of several important effects. In the ancient past The Goddess had lived a happy family life with Christian Sizzlin. The intellect of the Goddess was brilliant, devoid of ego, but it was overly complex and her genius fell upon several spectrums. Her sanity suffered. Sadly, her psyche began to fall apart and she careened wildly down the lifeway smashing into everything. The junkie’s skull shattered on the Fourth Wall and her red hair ignited, splattering molton matter upon the faces of kith and kin. The wreck deep-melted her lovely brain and forever charred her view of the past and present. She spun out of control and warped into a frightening future. Suddenly and viciously, she viewed her entire life with nightmare eyes.
Her own private Holocaust had arrived.
She completely lost her freaking mind.
Naturally, the Mermaid and the Goddess became instant dollfriends!
Secretly, the Goddess blamed herself for her personal woes and loathed her own soul. But she turned this self-hate around and blasted her former groom for an imagined assault. She gaslighted Christian and the fumes completely choked him out (note to reader: always have a safeword). This allowed her to escape Savannah with a clear conscience. She had manufactured a clean slate to save face. Christian was not the best boyfriend but he was an excellent hubby and a devoted daddy. He loved his bride and adored his bambinos. It was the happiest time of his life. He would never say or do harm to them.
NOW, back to the Crone. We Return to the Merm-Eye as she stands on the Worm of Hole’s stage after receiving the damning citation. The Mayor had low hopes for peace but he waited patiently. The battlefield was strangely quiet. Crickets chirped. The silence was so hushful that you could hear a fish flap its fins three oceans over!
The quietude was only temporary of course. Seven nautical days later The Witch exploded to the front line and unleashed her hocus pocus on the World Wide Waves! Apparently, the Merm-Eye had rejected the grownup juice and refused to pull up her big girl panties. She gathered her Witch Coven and prepared a dark ritual under the guise of light. She cast a purportedly potent hex on the Nightmayor -- an excavation of the voodoo jams if you will.
She AGAIN shouted Harassment! Threats! and hashed loudly My Response!
The Mayors face was posted colorfully on jinxed paper and the Mermaid screeched “Abracadabra!”
Lufty Lady, the land’s premier pizza enthusiast and proud member of The Savannah Sweet Cheese Burlesque, shouted “Burn Burn!!”
The Hags and their fellow junkies danced around a star pentagon and strummed their ukuleles chanting
“Begone Demon BEGONE!!!”
The spell had reached its climax!
Finally, to conclude the exorcism and cement the charm, the Witch’s very pleasant Boyfriend chimed in. He slammed the supposed final nail in the Mayor’s proverbial coffin. The Boyfriend claimed that he was part of a powerful southerly tribe with a close kinship to a High Court Chancellor. He threatened to expose the Nightmayor with the full heat of public propaganda.
Alas, the boyfriend’s empty Blackmail was too little and much too late. The flames from this roaring dumpster fire had already been burning fearfully for years. Mr. Sizzlin had fully embraced this fear ..a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
So the Crone Wars imploded. All of its elements condensed. It reached a point of infinite density and formed a massive singularity. Space and time flipped and the resulting white hole began ejecting its accumulated matter. A virgin star was born and A New Hope twinkled in the sky.
The Nightmayor basked in the cosmic afterglow. He laid down his writing pen, opened his arms to the Universe and whispered to himself “Whatever will be, will be.”
“As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without End.”
Amen to THE END
(Epilogue and Final Battle coming soon!)